Sometimes, when I have too much time to think, I sit back and look at what I do day to day. What did I do before now? What will I do after now? I feel like it has been all one giant waiting game. That is what I do now, with my life. I wait. I wait for "next Monday" for a new show, I wait for the weekend in order to spend time with my family as a whole instead of some broken up missed connection. I wait for 1530 to roll around each week day to pick my son up from school. I wait. It is what I do every day of my life, is wait. I feel like all I have been doing is just waiting, my entire life. I'm waiting it away, not wasting it away. Although at this point, it kind of feels like the same thing. What did I do before that allowed me to avoid this feeling? Working jobs, I still waited. I waited for lunch breaks. I waited for the end of the day. I counted down hours. For what? Bedtime? Is that what I wait for every day, is bed? When I wake up in the morning, is that what I anticipate? Sleep? Wow. Here I was in a panic trying to figure out who I am, and instead of facing that, I went into some deep thought about what I do everyday.
I should know that by now, you know? Who I am. What I want in life. I can't answer those questions. It was proven to me just Tuesday of last week. I went to some group thing, to meet people, to give my daughter the chance to make friends. To give myself something else to wait for. When I was passed a questionnaire that had the most basic questions on it, I froze. I knew how to answer basics. My name. My age. How long I've lived here. The kind of stuff that comes without too much thought. But then, I looked at the rest of the questions. Things like, "What do you like to do for fun?" The simple question brought me into this world of thought that made me stare at it like some simple minded fool. It was a question that stared at me, as if answering it meant going to Heaven or Hell. I felt like I had a trap door under me, and all of a sudden, I was doing some kind of deep soul searching while the others around me chatted. When my attention was caught by a question asked, I stuttered as if I had never talked in front of a group before in my life. All I could think was, Me? Shy? I've never been shy in my entire life! Yet there I was, with a blazing red face trying to think of an answer to a question I didn't honestly hear. In my head, I was still trying to answer the question on paper.
I wanted to cry, and I almost did. The only thing that stopped me was my insides completely lashing out at me going, "You cry and I swear we will never leave the house ever again." But I couldn't stop thinking about it. What do I like to do for fun? What are some of my hobbies? WHY CAN'T I ANSWER THAT?! Simple. I thought, what do I do everyday? Oh, then that thought came up, I don't enjoy what I do everyday. In fact, I almost kind of hate it. In fact, I really despise it. That only brought on this strange inner shame, shocked at this secret profession I had made to myself, even though it is a thought that occurs daily and that I admit, I often say out loud. Saying it to myself in my head, seemed like the most shameful thing ever. How could I think like that? I have it easy. Real easy. Ok, well, that is what everyone thinks. Honestly, I hate it. It isn't me, at all. At least, I don't think. It's just who I have been, who I've allowed myself to be. In reality, if I think about it, it isn't anything that I would want to do.
Alright! Progress, right? If what I do isn't what I want to do, then what do I want to do?
Regression. I don't know. I don't know the answer to that, because beyond knowing my name, my age, and my place of birth, I know absolutely nothing about myself. Nothing! Do you have any idea how scary it is not to know anything about yourself and still manage to hate yourself at the same time? How can you hate something you don't know?
So what do I do? I figure, I'll leave it blank for now, and it'll come to me.
I'll just keep waiting.
