A little stressed...

I knew I wanted to write a blog today. I had a totally different post in mind, something that has been bothering me. But then, my day progressed. It's a long twisted story of how it got this far, and there are a lot of details I am leaving out. At the moment though, I have absolutely no one to vent to. Not a single person. If I don't get some kind of griping out, I am going to lose my mind. And believe me, now is not the time to do so.

In five days and a wake up, I'm leaving for the next 6 months. Where I'm going is a place I will relinquish all control over everything that I've had control or monitoring ability over for the last seven years. Seven years may not seem like a very long time to be doing something, but when it's all you've been doing and it's become your entire life, it's actually a pretty big thing. So, I'm stressed. Here's some honesty - I don't trust him as far as I can throw him when it comes to financial things. After today, I trust him without one or two things, and that has become doubtful. He sees money, he gets impulsive and vindictive. Doesn't he deserve to spend that money? He'll replace it ASAP, no one will know....who cares if bills aren't paid? I don't want a financially structured future. I haven't strived to do it yet.  While that sounds harsh, I remember days when he had control and every 1st and 15th of the month we were 500 dollars in the HOLE. No food, no extras. Nothing. He did it through lying, hiding, and borrowing without my knowledge. When I took control it took time to get our heads above water. Yet he insisted to continue to make it worse on him. He lied and hid so much, and when I found out, he'd lie MORE. Because, I'm stupid, right? Right? Money isn't everything, and I've been guilt tripped into believing I'm materialistic. Sorry, but, I've got three kids to feed.

I've been trying so hard to give him benefit of the doubt. I put him on my personal account that I use specifically as a bill account to put the money for bills into so they get paid. Unfortunately I had to use this account as my account for the income I am about to start making while I am away, and bills still need to be paid. Which means, he has access to my money too. I know what that sounds like. I'm sounding selfish, and cruel. My money? We've been living off of his. It should be OUR money. The entire reason I took this job was because we are so in debt that I haven't eaten in weeks more than one meal a day. My kids eat, he eats. But there's never enough for me. I joke, hey, I'm on a diet. Well, sad part is about starving yourself is the notion you lose weight. Your body actually clings on to whatever fatty substance you eat and makes it into fat, thus giving someone the swollen belly effect. So, I'm strangely looking fatter. Great. That's what every woman wants.

Tonight we were cornered by our family friends. There had been some tension that no one could explain. They immediately took to pointing fingers on what was wrong with us. I got some of it, took it in and agreed and acknowledged. But then I was hit with bricks. They said he puts them in positions that make them uncomfortable because he tells his buddy not to tell me, and his buddy tells his wife, whom I am very close friends with, who feels put in the middle because she has to lie to me too. WHY is anyone LYING to me?!  Why is he lying? About stupid shit, like where he goes or what he spends? I can see what he spends and he still lies to me. I'm hurt. I'm scared. Who do we owe that I don't know about? What else has he lied to my face about? I had expressed some paranoid I had about our friends, and why they weren't around us anymore. To him. Only to him. Once. Somehow, they know all about it, and I become the target for not talking about it. I know he told them, but I didn't understand why. Why did he do that? It was once, a long time ago, and it was a paranoia of me reading too much into something. And there he was, blantantly lying to me about it too.

Am I wrong? Should I trust that he won't blow every.single.dime the way he has in the past? He's already told me about what he plans to buy -- I remind him, to wait. I want to use this money to get us out of debt. I want to own a home, and have good credit and not feel like I can't trust him. But that's how I feel -- he's a liar. He's dishonest and lying to me and he will never stop. He's been lying for 8 years. He lied to me the day we met. What do I do? I just wish my mother was here. She always knew the answer, without judgement. I can't get that anymore. I'm alone in this pit. If I tell people, they judge him. They judge me for staying. Or tell him. It's not some secret how I feel about this - we've discussed it over and over again... but it's been one circle. I'm so torn... I'm just...

I quit for now. I leave soon. I have too much to worry about.